What Girls Expect in Dating Relationships
Keela Evans, Lipscomb chapel coordinator, speaks at men's chapel
- Be Faithful. Period. Be faithful. Seek the Lord. Grow in your OWN relationship with God and learn and fail and fail again and learn more. Be faithful within your guy friendships, be faithful in your relationship with ANY girl.
Be faithful on a first date and be faithful, living above reproach on your 36th date. Be faithful to HER, whoever she may be. Be faithful to who YOU are. Keep being faithful over and over, seeking God throughout EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING.
Pursuing your relationship with God is MUCH more attractive than you emptily pursuing your relationship with a girl. Watching Andrew, my husband, be in love with the Lord was (and still is) much more encouraging, challenging, and appealing than him taking him trying to date me, love me, whatever. Be faithful through it all.
- Be the leader, & lead by example. You are going to set the tone of any relationship. I can confidently say that most women that eventually want to get married or be in any sort of a relationship WANT to be led. They want to be taken care of. They want to be challenged and taken great places by you. Yes, she will have an independent side. I'd rather jump off a building than to let my husband help me with some things, but deep down we WANT you to lead us to great places. Lead in EVERY way, setting the tone and setting the pace of your relationship well.
Lead Spiritually: Be faithful YOURSELF, have a genuine relationship with the Father, pray alone, pray together, ENCOURAGE her in her faith by setting the tone. She WILL follow you where you lead her.
Lead physically: Set boundaries and STICK to them. Let her help you along the way and encourage each other by honoring the other.
Expect her to respect you, and respect her in return! Don't run across boundaries and expect to be able to turn back. It's MUCH harder to stop crossing lines, than to just not cross them in the first place. I know that you think you will die without touching her, you won't. I know you think that you might someday maybe want to potentially think about entertaining the idea to maybe marry this girl. Lead her to be the person you DO want to marry. Physical relationships will absolutely destroy you. Honor her. She WANTS to be honored.
Leading the relationship in general … Remember, you are going to set the tone of every part of the relationship, even apologizing. Apologize! You be the initiator. You be the encourager. You be the leader. You be the man.
- Set yourself up for good things. Be proactive, putting yourself in healthy situations. You are going to find what you are looking for… Don't look in the wrong places for something that isn't there (i.e. don't fool yourself that a CONFIDENT and FAITHFUL woman of God is going to be hanging out at frat parties and bars, or that she’ll be impressed that you met Amber, Amy, Ashley, and Aubrey there too one time)… Be proactive about where you spend your time.
Also, don't let college be this excuse to be an idiot and then expect beautiful girls to fall into your lap and love Jesus alongside you. Be faithful with your heart now, with your eyes and actions. Also, set yourself up for good things later… Marriage is spending your LIFE with someone. Choose to spend your life with someone that you enjoy. Set yourself up for the future… If she's dramatic now, she'll be dramatic then. What bothers you now, will kill you then. But the small things you like about her, will only grow into a deeper love. Date people that respect you and want to honor YOU in return. Remember, It's about BOTH of you being faithful together.
- Get yourself together.
Get your own crap together before you try to pursue a girl. I'm NOT saying you have to be perfect and have everything figured out, but don't be swimming in your own questions and sin AND try to pursue someone's heart. You will hurt her and hurt yourself. Mine and Andrew’s story had a lot of brokenness and looking back I wish someone had SCREAMED at us to chill out before we started dating. He had been in a serious relationship, I wasn’t ready to be settled down and serious so it was a recipe for confusion and question. We weren’t whole ourselves, but trying to complete someone else. So, get your own crap together.
Also, Be real about your struggles. Pornography is not an accurate display of love, sex, marriage, or even a relationship. It's also not something that will go away when you get a date, a girlfriend, or even a wife. Those are expectations that will never be met, so don't live in that false reality. Have people in your life that hold you accountable and challenge you to be faithful with your mind, your eyes, your thoughts, everything. Most girls don't think about pornography that often, they won't be your saving grace against that stuff. Deal with it NOW.
- Be Honest. Tell her if you like her, tell her if you don't! Don't blame it on God or other things. Just be honest… She can most likely read how you're feeling (to an extent) anyway, so just be honest. Be as open and vulnerable as you can and let her be honest and open with you, without judging her feelings or thoughts.
- Take a shower. Don't be gross, look nice, try to impress her! Even more than we want to impress you (which we do want to do) we want to be impressed BY you. (My husband is literally better at almost every single thing we do. Even if I've been playing a game or doing something for years, he can learn it and beat me in about 10 minutes. I hate it, but I LOVE it. It's so fun to see him succeed and girls want to see you do great!) Also, MOST Girls don't hang out in high rise playing ping pong and video games. Don't expect the love of your life to just waltz up and comment on your ping pong game and then fall in love. Take her on a DATE. a REAL DATE. open her door, smell nice, and tuck in your shirt.
- Find mentors. You can't do this alone. You have to have people in your life that you can ask hard questions to and that will give you real answers. That person is most likely NOT going to be your best friend, for sure won't be a girl, and in a lot of cases won't always be your family… Seek out people that you respect and people that will challenge you. Don't try to do things on your own. Trust me, there is NOTHING more attractive than a boy trying to learn and grow into something better. Seeing a man strive to be better and more faithful and grow with people that he trusts, is something that so many people let fall to the back of their minds instead of intentionally pursuing growth.
Keela Evans Serves at the chapel coordinator at Lipscomb University and as campus minister. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.